This just in, a greatly beloved hardware store in Cheltenham has been destroyed, after a chaotic string of events which began when the manager fell off his chair. This is Chuck Fiddlesticks, reporting not-live for Channel 17.
We spoke with store manager, Andrew McMillon, who had the following to say. “I don’t really understand how it happened. Every day I tuck my chair right underneath my desk, and every morning it is exactly where I expect it to be. This morning, however, I happened to be partially blinded from a ray of sun through my window, and I went to sit down without checking the chair’s location. Somehow, it must have been moved the slightest bit, because I only sat on the very edge, then slipped off.”
From there, it seems a strange sequence of events took place, leading to this disaster. With McMillon’s chair flung back, it struck the wall and damaged an old water pipe. With the office, and entire building, beginning to fill with water, some of the customers panicked. Many of them decided that they needed to get their hands on any plumbing supplies Cheltenham stores could offer, causing a stampede in that section of the store. Due to this, a shelf of ultra-absorbent sponges fell into the rising water, growing larger from absorption by the second. Eventually, the sponges exploded, destroying the entire store, like something out of a cartoon.
If you are looking for hardware in the Cheltenham area, we would officially advise you to seek a Brighton, Bentleigh or Hampton hardware store instead.
The question on everybody’s minds right now is whether the manager’s chair was shifted deliberately, in a malicious attempt to destroy a good hardware store, or by accident. This impartial reporter believes it to be the former option. What kind of sick person would do this? Well, I don’t know, but I say we form an angry mob and hunt this horrible human being down, bringing them to justice ourselves. Then again, maybe we should just check the security tapes first.
This is Chuck Fiddlesticks, signing off.